Mad At Myself

Recently, I got a sunburn. I went swimming and didn’t immediately reapply sunscreen after I got out of the water. All it took was thirty minutes on a beach, drying off and eating lunch in the afternoon sun, to make my shoulders red.

And I was so mad at myself. I should have known better. I should have done better. There was even one point where I had looked at my shoulder because it felt hot, and since it didn’t look pink, I didn’t do anything. I was mad that I did that. Because it wasn’t that I forgot, it was that I chose to just do nothing and ignore that initial concern. It’s a foolish mistake that many have made, but I was just so mad at myself because I know better.

It’s a sunburn, and it’ll heal, but it really did awaken a deep feeling of inward anger that I don’t often feel. I usually am pretty content with my choices, but I was really beating myself up over it.

And I didn’t like doing that to myself. I didn’t like being upset and I didn’t like that I actively spent time consumed by sadness and madness and disappointment to the point where those feelings took away from doing other, better, happier things. I knew it was just a mistake and I knew I’d take this lesson with me going forward, but I still felt like I almost had to punish myself by constantly thinking about this bad thing I did. Every time I saw it in a mirror or my shirt rubbed against it, I just let those feelings take over and ruin my mood.

The same thing has also been happening recently when I think about an old friend. We were friends for a long time, but then there was an event that caused tension, and now we don’t talk anymore. I was the wronged party, and I’m deeply sad about how the situation turned out, but I’m also mad at myself. Which is unfair, and I know it. I did nothing wrong. But I’m mad that I’m still so upset, even over a year later. Like, get over it. This person doesn’t care about me, so why am I so emotional about it? I’m mad that I ever let it get to a point where this outcome could make me so sad. Here’s the worst one: sometimes, I’m mad that I stood up for myself, because maybe we’d still be friends if I cared less.

These mad, toxic feelings are directed towards myself because I can’t direct them elsewhere. The old friend isn’t here to take it and apologize. Just like how the sun can’t take it and shine less on my skin. In the end, I’m left with me and my own actions, so I pile on the unfair and unhealthy amounts of blame and anger. I’m the easiest target for it all. I’m the meanest to myself.

It sucks that this happens. It sucks that humans can do this to themselves. As I said, I’m usually confident in my decisions. I usually like who I am and what I do enough to not feel such inner disdain, which is why having this nagging anger take over once in a while particularly sucks and really throws me for an emotional loop.

I don’t deserve it, but like my sunburn, it’ll go away eventually. Feelings will subside and peace will come again.

That’s all for now.

 

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The Art Of Being By Yourself

For many years, I was by myself. I got very good at spending time most if not all of my free time alone. This was not the ideal situation as a teen/young adult, but I was able to build up some valuable skills. Really, I’m kind of proud of how I was able to take circumstances and feelings I didn’t really want and come out knowing I can be on my own. Do I think I’m now perhaps a clingier friend than I would like to be? Do I think I’m perhaps a bit more awkward socially than I would like to be? Yes, but this isn’t about that. This is about the art of being by yourself.

First, you have to like yourself a bit. You have to like your thoughts and your habits because that’s often all you have. I think being by myself allowed me to develop my own tastes and interests and opinions, and I think I’m a better, more well-rounded person for it. I don’t know if I’d confidently claim that I love myself, but I truly don’t hate myself, and that’s still good.

Second, you have to pass the time. No one’s going to come up with activities for you. You yourself have to decide what you want to do and what you’re going to do. It doesn’t have to be super productive or insightful, but it has to be at least enough to get you through. I won’t lie and say all my alone time was doing groundbreaking work. For years it was scrolling Tumblr, watching trashy TV shows, and reading blog posts. But I enjoyed doing that.

Thirdly, you can’t do it forever. I know some people are innately more adaptable and built for being by themselves, but it’s not a lifestyle that can sustain. I think the pandemic proved that. If you are someone who finds themselves willingly or unwillingly in a lifestyle where there is predominantly alone time, make an effort to change that even once a week. See a friend, find a hobby, do something. Humans do need other humans to survive.

Why am I writing about this now? Because like any skill, being alone well needs to be honed, and over the past few years I haven’t needed to hone that skill too much. I ran a virtual game nearly every night, but it’s over, and now I’m out of being by myself practice. I thought it’d be like riding a bike–I’d just fall back into my old ways–but it’s not like that. I’ve grown and changed a bit, and I’m finding it harder to occupy myself on my own.

I don’t feel as productive. I don’t feel like I’m living. I waste time. And then I get mad at myself because I used to be so okay on my own. It’s a weird funk I’m in. But here’s what I’m doing about it: I’m writing more blog posts, as I was short on backup drafts anyway. I have a list of shows I want to start watching. I’m making plans with friends for virtual game nights. I make plans with my boyfriend. When I get the new Zelda game, I’m going to get back into gaming. And I’m reminding myself that I don’t need to be ‘productive’ at every moment; I’m allowed to watch goofy YouTube videos if I want.

The pandemic probably changed so many people’s relationships with themselves. Some people had too much alone time and some people got none, and now that we’re somewhat on the other side of the crisis, we have to reevaluate who we are. If you’re struggling with adapting or with your own alone time, that’s valid. Just do your best.

At the end of the day, I do truly think that everyone should have a period where they’re forced to be by themselves. It’s such an interesting time of growth and development, and you can clearly tell some people have never had to do it.

Are you someone who thrives on their own? Do you have what it takes to occupy yourself for extended periods of time?

 

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Celebrating A Purposeful End

Years ago, early in the pandemic, a friend I played quidditch with back in university told me that he was trying to make a virtual quidditch board game. I found the idea fascinating and offered to help test it out. That exchange of messages led to a lot. For one, that friend is now my boyfriend. For two, we managed to organize enough people and old teammates to play in a little virtual tournament we co-ran. And for three, we did it nearly every night for nearly three years.

Over 500 games, nearly 40 people coming and going, 18 main tournaments with fresh themes and twists, a rules document that hit 90 pages, plus a whole lot more. We took things probably too seriously.

I’ve mentioned my little online quidditch side hobby a few times on my blog, most notably in this rant about Redbubble’s stupid rules, but we recently decided to end our run of tournaments, and I’m a little up in my feelings about it, so that’s what this post is about.

It’s sad for sure. It’s the end of an era, and I know I’m going to miss it. But it was the right decision. I take pride in knowing we can do what the writers of The Flash simply refused to do: walk away before things got bad (yes, I still watch that). After running games nearly every night and pouring hours of time into ensuring things were fun, fair, and functional, we knew we needed a break. We also knew our players were getting busier and less willing to engage with materials in ways we wanted them to, and those signs of fatigue were clear warnings.

And now, for the first time in years, I have open evenings. I can make last-minute plans. I can have a late dinner. While I’m looking forward to having free time back, I know I’ll miss having this regular fun thing to do and friends to see. I was never one to have a bustling social life, but for the past few years, I kind of did have that. I never felt like I was wasting time when we were running the games or preparing a new theme that was sure to wow and excite or even just hanging out afterward.

But it’s not over forever. Enough people expressed an interest in playing more down the line, and we know we enjoyed it enough to go back to running some more games, just not as often and not as intense, so we’ll revisit that all in a few months. But for now I have to deal with the ever-so-scary change in my routine. I am not a huge fan of change.

What’s particularly notable to me is that this little side project has consumed my free time for nearly three years, and yet, it’s nothing. It’s a game that a small group of people played. It’s hard to explain. It’s not marketable. It’s clouded by the now seen as unfortunate ties to Harry Potter. In many ways, it’s something that I could include on a resume given how much time, effort, creativity, and skill went into it, but it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things, and a hiring manager wouldn’t care. A couple times I’ve heard my mom explaining it to a friend on the phone, and it’s a little activity started in the pandemic, which is correct. This isn’t to diminish the project at all because I know it is impressive, but to really highlight just how weird hobbies can be. You can spend hours and hours doing something simply because you love it, and it really does not have an impact on the course of your life and it can all just…end.

Of course, I did gain a lot from this hobby. A boyfriend, friendships, new skills, respect, some writing samples for a portfolio, and a little bit of magic during the isolation of a raging pandemic. That’s all priceless and will stay with me forever.

I know this post may not be relatable, but the ending of our game has consumed me this week. It doesn’t feel fully real, but I feel a lingering heaviness.

If anyone reading this had a part in our virtual quidditch journey, thank you for giving us the space to make something really cool and bring people together for some good old dorky fun.

That’s all for now!

 

 

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A Backup Means Of Communication

The other day I got a notification on my phone: someone had left a comment on my blog. I click to read it and soon see that it’s not actually a proper comment. I was from an internet friend who had lost access to the platform we normally communicate on, and my blog was the only way she thought to contact me with this information. I was able to reply with a link to get her back up and running, and then I deleted the comments.

I found it clever that she was able to reach out like that. There were other people who could have helped her too, but they don’t have easily accessible blogs or places to be found, so I was the best choice.

It got me thinking about our methods of communication. I’ve written before about how scary it would be to lose a huge platform like Facebook, but I was thinking more about the content and the service. But what about the users. This expands to all platforms. And not even platforms. It expands to all life.

Data nerds are familiar with the 3-2-1 backup strategy for data, but do we have this kind of thing for people? Do we have ways to reach those who need to be reached? Not always.

About a year ago, some friends and I were on a Google call, playing a game. Several people had their cameras off, including one guy who I’m friendly with, but not close friends by any means. Suddenly, this guy makes this weird noise and then goes silent before going offline. The rest of us sat in confusion until a few of us went “oh crap, doesn’t he have epilepsy? That might have been a seizure.” But because none of us were that close to him, we didn’t know how to help. He lived hours away and alone, and we didn’t have his cell number, his address, or any contact with family members. Through Facebook, we managed to look up his sister (we didn’t even know her name, just that she existed) and send her a message, but it was a gamble that she’d even check her message requests. We also contacted one of the guy’s friends who we knew went to the same school to see if she had his address so we could call for medical help ourselves, but she did not. Luckily, the sister responded to us and confirmed it was in fact a seizure and help has been deployed.

Did we save a life that night? Maybe. But it’s wild that we had to go to lengths such as that. Of course, it’s silly to give your address to everyone you ever talk to just in case something happens, but it’s kind of scary to think about what may have happened to that guy if we weren’t on the call together or if his sister didn’t use Facebook.

Do the people who you care about have backup ways of reaching you? Do we need to go back to memorizing phone numbers and addresses just in case? Couldn’t hurt, right?

My tip for the day is to maybe take a minute to consider if you have the means to contact others in another way if ever necessary. And think about if the important people in your life have a secondary way to contact you. We kind of only seem to realize how much it’s needed when we’re in the moment, so preparing now could literally save lives.

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5 More Free Online Games My Friends And I Love

Last year, I wrote a blog post listing 7 free online games that my friends and I had discovered and been playing remotely during the pandemic. Since then, more games have entered our realm, but I hadn’t thought about making a new post until I received a comment on that old post from someone who said they and their friends enjoyed my list and wanted more. And I am a people-pleaser.

1. Yahtzee
   This classic game is on a site called BuddyBoardGames that my friends and I are big fans of. If you already know how to play, it’s easy to start, but there are rules there too. This site is easy to navigate and the sound of dice rolling is fun. My friends and I also invented a variation of Yahtzee that we call Yahtzee Mode where you must always aim to get a Yahtzee and only take what you can get at the end. BuddyBoardGames also has other games, and we’re big fans of Farkle, Oh Heck, and Azule, so try those ones too!
   
2. Gartic Phone
   This is a game, but it isn’t competitive by any means. It’s a collaborative drawing game where drawings are passed around and added to by everyone, resulting in hilarious images. It’s like the game of Telephone but with art. There are a bunch of different game modes to try to shake up the game.
3. Bingo
   It’s a basic game, but this site not only has a bunch of free templates you can use or add to, but you can easily make your own with whatever you want. My friends and I imported a list of the 100 worst Pokemon to play Bingo with, and it was fun. Someone will need to be the caller and read things out, but otherwise, you can play how you want with up to 30 people.
   
4. Phase 10
   This is a real card game that is essentially a rummy. Players try to complete each phase of card collections, of which there are 10. Playingcards.io here has many game options, but we found that the board for Continental Rummy worked best, and we just used this image of the phases to play. The cool thing about Playingcards.io is that it’s highly customizable and lets you do your own thing once you’re in the game, so feel free to go into the board settings and change what you want to make your game better.
5. Votes Out aka Quiplash
   This is basically Quiplash but free and quicker than having someone screenshare Jackbox on Steam. Votes Out is easy to jump into, and the questions are fun. There are only 12 free game packs, though, so while we enjoy this game, it can’t be played too many times with the same friends.
   
   Bonus: Scrabble
   This isn’t a group game, but I wanted to mention it still as it’s a solid two player game. No accounts needed and no need to read the rules either, since it’s pretty self-explanatory and common.

Go forth and game! Though COVID restrictions have loosened a lot, my friends and I don’t live near each other, so we still heavily rely on these online games to connect us and amuse us for free! I’m so glad others are enjoying these games too!

Let me know what games you and your pals like and if there are other games you play that you think I should try!

That’s all for now!

 

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