Birthday Wishes

Almost any given day, I can open up Facebook and see that it’s someone’s birthday. Facebook so helpfully encourages me to write a message on their wall. I rarely do.

For one, Facebook walls are kind of old-school. It’s so public, and I think most people just lurk on Facebook (and most social media) nowadays. Don’t get me wrong, I still love getting a nice wall message on my birthday, but for the past several years, the only people who actually use my wall are people from the curling club. And they’re from an older generation (no shade, just facts), whereas people closer to my age who have birthday wishes to send do it via a text or a private message on some other platform. I think it’s interesting how behaviour on platforms has evolved so much over the last few years.

The other reason I rarely send birthday wishes on someone’s wall has nothing to do with Facebook or walls. It has everything to do with the fact that I’m not actually close with most of my Facebook friends. This is probably the norm for most people. We collect friends over the year, but are they even friends? Were they ever friends? I have some people on Facebook who I simply did a school project with way back when. I have old elementary school relations who I haven’t spoken to in a decade.

Have you ever heard of Dunbar’s number? It’s a theory by anthropologist Robin Dunbar who believes that humans have a few levels of relationships, with the maximum being 150 social connections that your brain can handle. The smallest number of social connections is 5, which are the core people closest to you. The next level consists of 15 people (including that core 5) who you engage with fairly regularly. Then there’s a level of 50 people that you know somewhat well but don’t keep up with that closely. And then lastly, there’s Dunbar’s number of 150, which I already explained.

Do I think that the 150 number is hard and fast? No. But I do believe there are levels to our relationships, and I think that is the clearest for me when it comes to birthday wishes.

There are probably about 15-20 people I wish happy birthdays to (but I admit to forgetting once or twice…). These are the people who I talk to regularly at curling or over video calls or in real life. These are the people who care about me and show a desire to maintain a relationship with me (and I with them). Everyone else is just people who don’t really know me and certainly don’t care if I post on their wall or not. And that’s fine. It works both ways.

I know I have some weird hangups when it comes to friendships. After years of being the odd man out in groups or struggling to maintain friendships once we’re not in the same vicinity, I find myself with a small circle and a value for genuineness.

And that’s why I see birthday wishes as a mark of friendship in some ways. Someone going out of their way to say something nice, even if Facebook reminded them of the day. I had a friend in university who I thought I was fairly close with, even attending their birthday party. I don’t think I ever received a happy birthday from them, so it does not surprise me that we don’t talk now, years after graduation.

That being said, a happy birthday message isn’t the be-all end-all. While it can be a marker of friendship, it can also be a marker of a lack of one. If we don’t talk except to wish each other a happy birthday once a year, it’s clear that there’s nothing there, and I’d rather we just didn’t do that.

My birthday was months ago, so I really don’t know why I’m thinking about this now. Birthdays and aging is already such a weird thing, so I know it’s perhaps unfair to add a whole other layer of complexity into the mix, but here I am. I acknowledge that I’m weird about this, but I’d like to hear what you think. Do you care if friends don’t wish you a happy birthday? Do you pass on well-wishes to every Facebook friend you have?

RIP Matthew Perry

That’s all for now!

 

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No, I Won’t Say Hi To Them For You

My mom is the one who asks this of me the most, and even then it’s barely occasional. Sometimes it’s in person right as I’m about to leave the house and sometimes it’s over text as she’s checking in. But every time she makes the request to say hi on her behalf to whoever I’m with, I just don’t do it. I don’t know why.

Well, I kind of do. For one, it means letting the person know that my mom and I were talking about them, even if it was completely normal, harmless, and nice mention. There’s something weird about that.

Two, it’s sometimes weird to bring up. There’s often no easy way to work it in without sounding forced and awkward.

Three, it feels like forcing the person to respond in a very fake way. “Oh, well, say hi back” is kind of the go-to response whether or not they actually mean it. And guess what? I’m not going to do it either. Let’s save us both the trouble.

And lastly, it doesn’t matter. I guarantee my friend or whoever it is I’m with is not at all sitting around wondering if my mom has well wishes to pass on. Sure, it’s nice, but it’s not making or breaking relationships by any means.

But I’ll be honest: I do it too. I ask others to say hi for me. I don’t expect it to happen, obviously, but I feel compelled by politeness to say it. And I’m sure that’s why my mom does it too. Isn’t it weird that when it comes to social expectations, we function out of compulsion sometimes? We just go through the motions because we feel we need to. That’s fine and healthy most of the time, but sometimes, like in this situation, it just feels silly.

Of course, sometimes the silliness drives me. It’s one thing to want to pass on greetings to humans, but I most often request it for pets. My dad sometimes will text me pictures of some friend’s cat or something and I’ll text back “tell him I love him” and I know for a fact my dad will not, but the idea of a grown man facing a cat I’ve never met and saying “hey, my daughter loves you,” is funny. And I do love the cat or whatever it is. (So this is me ironically asking all of you readers to tell your pets that I love them.)

Me @ all your pets

Do you actually go through with it (for humans, obviously)? Do you pass on that hi? Am I the weird one for never doing it?

 

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What I Don’t Blog About

I blog about a lot of stuff. I purposely made my blog fairly niche-less so I could write about anything, from serious thought-provoking topics to dumb rants. I’m so glad that I have an audience who accepts this from me because I love to do it and I love the freedom I have to do it.

But just because I am open and have written about a lot, it doesn’t mean everything is on the table. I don’t lie and I don’t censor myself that much, but I am very aware of how and what I present.

It comes down to readers. I know my mother, for example, is a reader of my blog, so I’ll avoid talking about things that will incite a conversation. Both my parents are kind of conservative and the kind of parents who will turn a joke into a lecture, so it’s just easier to avoid some things altogether.

I also have links/references to my blog on LinkedIn and my resume, and it often came up in job interviews, so I know that potential bosses and coworkers read it, so I do try to be, for the most part, professional and mature. Some stuff isn’t even bad per se, but I don’t want or need people I work with professionally knowing things about me or having the power to know things that don’t relate to work or align with the relationship. Example: I do occasionally drink alcohol and though I am very responsible with it and am always the soberest person at a party, I don’t need a boss knowing about parties I go to, even if it’s normal and reasonable for someone my age to do this.

And speaking of relationships: friends read my blog. I share posts on Facebook once in a while and I know some friends read my blog regularly. Therefore, I’m always sure to protect identities and careful that I’m not sharing anything that could cause conflict or awkwardness. One time I was talking to a friend about a guy I had a crush on. This friend suggested I blog about it as it was relatable and something I didn’t often talk about. I shut down that suggestion real quick because the specifics of the crush were too specific, and I couldn’t risk that as my blog was known to this guy.

Forever mood.

Then there’s also stuff I don’t share that protects my identity. While I do have friends and family read my blog, most of my readers are strangers all around the world, and that is really cool but also scares me. I don’t use my full name and I don’t post pictures of myself. While I know that I probably can safely as many do, and I know that not doing so does make some of you be a little skeptical of me, it’s still something I choose to do for my own comfort. So I am purposely vague on some details or just choose not to share certain things.

And as much as I am honest and don’t shy away from getting deep when I need to, I also sometimes worry if I come across as too whiny or too victimized when talking about things like friendships or life issues. I know I’m not the most positive person and sometimes my attempts at being real could be off-putting. I want to be relatable, but not annoying and not repetitive. So often some of the more serious posts get more edits than other posts just so my feelings aren’t as prevalent or boohoo-y.

Lastly, I stay mostly in my lane when it comes to politics or stuff like that, not that this blog is ever that political. I’m a white cis neurotypical middle-class female who has lived a pretty sheltered life and luckily hasn’t had many life struggles, so who am I to speak on anything outside of that realm when others more important have said it first and better. When I need to link resources from people who deserve to be heard more, I absolutely do. But for the most part, I stay away from ‘controversial’ topics. It’s just not what this blog is about.

Otherwise, that’s basically it. There’s still a lot of room for my nonsense and rants and reviews and thoughts. And who knows, maybe down the line, things will change. As I develop as a human and as my life goes on, some things I’m not comfortable diving into now may change. Who’s to say. Guess you’ll have to stick around and see.

 

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Temporary Friends

I knew this girl in high school who I considered a close friend at the time. We had shared interests, and we were always joking around when we had a class together. A mutual friend, though, described this girl as someone who would be your best friend but only when it was convenient for her. So as soon as that class ended and extra effort had to be made to interact, she’d drop you and move on to whoever was next. This wasn’t an inaccurate description of the friendship, and for a while I was mad that I let myself be played like that.

But, to some extent, don’t we all do this? Like, sure, could she have put in more effort to maintain friendships outside of class? Could she have maybe been less chummy while we were together, especially if she thought of me as disposable? Maybe. But looking back, I think she was just making the most of the situations she was in, and it’s perhaps partly on me to not get so attached.

In a perfect world, we carry the friends we make throughout our whole lives. We grow together and give each other what we need and never let each other down. But this is not a perfect world. We change, we lose friends, we make friends, we adjust, we figure ourselves out. It’s how life is. I’ve realized that I’m perhaps more needy in terms of my friendships. I would love for the people I care about to want to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I would love for them to make me a priority and really go out of their way to show that. Unfortunately, this is not realistic and not my reality with most people, and I accept this, though it does mean I’ve had to think hard about my friendships.

Between school friends, childhood friends, internet friends, coworkers, and whoever else, it’s impossible for every nice friendship you ever have to last decades and be consistently strong. It’s not a personal attack when things fade or end. Because in a lot of cases, we’re all just making the most of our lives in that moment. If a sucky summer job can be made better by a goofy coworker, then hell yeah! If a school project can be made better by a competent partner you bond with, then way to go! We should appreciate what these people bring at that time without worrying about what it’ll be like in five years. We should learn from them, take the good aspects, and carry it with us into the future. It doesn’t mean that either party is a bad friend. And we should be able to look back with fondness at that time and remember those people not as ex-friends who abandoned us or played us, but as people we connected with once and now wish well.

There are people in my life now who I doubt I’ll still have contact with in 10 years. Because of a temporary situation or just changing styles, I know it’s likely that eventually we won’t have time or a desire to interact as much or at all, and there probably won’t be a dramatic and conclusive ending to the friendship. Of course this makes me sad, but rather than being pre-upset over this, I’m trying to make the most of this time and enjoy these bonds I’ve made for now. Who cares if we’re all just each other’s temporary friends? Life is full of them, and I want to be remembered as a good one.

I think temporary friends is a concept that should be more normalized. I’m not saying you shouldn’t put in an effort to maintain friendships with the people you care about (because you definitely should, and I know I can work on this too), but the idea that people can be in your life for a short time without hurt feelings should be okay. I’m prone to feeling like I’m the problem common denominator in many failed or weak friendships, but maybe those people were never meant to be in my life long term. They were always just meant to get me through that time in a nice way, and that’s okay.

As Glinda and Elphaba said, “because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”

 

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The Interest In Other Peoples’ Problems

Over the last year, I’ve spent a lot of my free time learning about other people’s problems. This sounds weird, but let me explain. Reddit, a social media/forum site, is home to a lot of this. There are threads for a variety of things, but two I’m focusing on here are r/Relationships and r/AITA (Am I The Asshole). In these subreddits, users can post their issues and anyone can offer unbiased advice or judgment or feedback.

There are Twitter accounts that cross post some of the more amusing or interesting ones so they can spread to other platforms that way, and there are a lot of YouTube channels that read them out (either by a real person or a computer voice) so people can listen to the content if they don’t want to read and scroll. I’ve consumed a lot of this in the past year, and I find it fascinating. I also read the advice column in the newspaper every day, which has similar content, and this may be more relatable to some of you who have no idea what Reddit is.

WIBTA if I threw away my wife's beanbag chair? https://t.co/dECvSpVhWB pic.twitter.com/NT8baMMO5W

— Am I the Asshole? (@AITA_reddit) October 20, 2020

In general, I know we look for relatability in media. We want to identify with the heroes and be represented and all that, which is good and valid. But I think on the flip side, we are also drawn to the unrelatable. It’s why I think a lot of TLC and E! shows are so popular because they are very weird and different (at least to my fairly quiet and sheltered life).

I know that people have different lives than I do, but I’ve never really considered that their problems are so wildly different too. I don’t know what it’s like to have a narcissistic mother-in-law or a pathological liar of a friend. I don’t know what it’s like to have no contact with a parent or worry about how I disciplined my child. And yet, I am interested in these issues that people are having and the outcomes. It’s entertaining to consume for me, and I think it still would be even if you did relate to some of these issues.

And maybe I like it because it puts my own life into perspective to some extent. My life is by no means perfect and I’m discontent with many things, but I guess it could be worse, as the internet has proved. Some of the problems people are dealing with are unfortunate, life-ruining things, and I’m lucky that I don’t have to deal with any of it. Furthermore, reading/hearing about some of these things can help me avoid it myself in my life.

I know I’m not alone in enjoying Reddit content like this, but I think it does speak to a larger phenomenon of people being nosy and interested in drama. It’s why ‘spilling tea’ is so popular as a concept and a phrase. There are YouTubers whose whole gig is telling juicy, dramatic storytimes like “My roommates from hell” or “I was stalked by my ex-boyfriend for six years!” and thousands of willing people click to find out how and why and who because it’s interesting. Similarily, we’re taught from a young age that gossip is bad but I know that if a friend came to me with some spicy info about someone, I’d be very quick to listen. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so. It makes me human. I think we all like this kind of info, whether we’ll admit to it or not, and the internet has made it very easy to find it and feed that desire in us.

It is win-win in a sense because the people sharing often are looking for help/opinions/clicks and the consumers can offer that as well as be entertained to some extent, so I don’t have a problem with it. It’s one of the benefits of the internet because we are able to connect to a variety of people who exist outside of our lifestyle.

If you’ve never heard of these subreddits or other means of consuming them, I encourage you to check them out, especially if you’re kind of into other people’s problems and lives. Even if you’re not really, it’s escapist entertainment, and these days, we all need that.

 

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