Everyone is always trying to better themselves. You see so many of these self-help books and motivational speeches and cute quotes on phone cases nowadays. That’s nice and all but one thing these all seem to never touch on is one’s weaknesses. That’s the key, y’all.
Good question, Gabe. Here are mine. Until I can conquer these, I will never be my best self. I need to be the ultimate me. I need to be able to defeat past me, should time travel ever be possible. But for now, here’s a quick and handy list of things that you need, should you ever want to get me in a vulnerable position.
- Lightning. Is anyone strong enough for this? Maybe the Michelin Man.
- Grates in the sidewalk. I am sorry if I have to cut around you when walking but I would rather step in dog poop than on a grate. I don’t trust them.
- Mint chocolate. I can control myself well enough around regular chocolate, but not mint.
- Nice people. Honestly, someone can just be nice to me for like five minutes and I’ll spill my all secrets. Unfortunately for them, my secrets are all like ‘I have no idea what I’m doing in life’ and ‘I laugh when I’m uncomfortable’.
- Musicals. Why is everyone singing? Why does everyone know the lyrics? Why is this necessary? I dunno, man. But I’m watching it.
- The little number notification bubbles on apps. Those must be removed right away. I will stop what I’m doing to mark an email as ‘read’ just so I can go back to zero.
- Blooper reels. Somehow, watching some actor mess up their lines is always funny. Sometimes I watch bloopers for shows/movies I didn’t even watch.
- Puns. Even the worst are good.
- Seeing my reflection. My face isn’t even that exciting visually, but every time I pass a mirror or a window or some kind of camera, I gotta look at myself. Just to, like, make sure I’m still there and my hair isn’t doing something weird. To be honest, whenever I’m Skyping or FaceTiming someone, a solid 80% of the chat is spent looking at my own face.
- Series finales. I’ll cry. I’ll cry every time. Even if it’s the worst ending to a show. I’ll probably still sob. This should be number one on this list. This is probably my biggest weakness.
- Christmas music. I’ve been listening for almost a month already. It always puts me in a better mood.
- Popcorn. No explanation needed.
- When a professor is erasing a chalk board but doesn’t do a good job and there’s those marks still there. Yeah, I hate that.
- Garage sales. Do you have junk on your driveway? I’m already there. (Related: this post I wrote on garage sales)
- Baby animals. I don’t care that I’ll get hives if a puppy licks me, I’ll still pet it.
I am such a flawed person. There are only fifteen here, and if I had the time, I could probably list more. I have work to do. I need to one day be able to say “No, I don’t want popcorn.” Gotta build up that strength. You know who has two weaknesses? Superman. He’s weak for kryptonite and innocent civilians in danger. That’s it.
Anyways, what are your weaknesses? I highly suggest knowing them so you too can work on not falling for them.